In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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