i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I party with great urgency now.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
