so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
