It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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