i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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