ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
