Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
