it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
