my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
