smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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