I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
