well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize