Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
