dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
