just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
