I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize