Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do herpes really smell.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
