I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
