Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
