Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize