chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
