I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
