it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
