It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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