I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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