i jhust puked up my retainher.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize