my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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