Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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