How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
