I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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