listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
