Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize