I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize