if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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