You can't special order awesome
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
