I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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