So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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