You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
