dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
