I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize