I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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