well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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