Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
