I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize