he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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