I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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