Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
