two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize