I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
