I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
