There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
