If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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