he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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