Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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