My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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