I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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