she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize